How to irritate your Wife

Another break from the narrative, here’s something a little different:

  • First of all, write a blog about your family and consistently refer to her as “the Wife”. It seems to be working for me.
  • Always add the word “the” in front of Twitter, Facebook, Google etc. Also get all the lingo wrong. For example, “Babe I was on The Twitter earlier and . . . “
  • Next I periodically take up the habit of calling her only by her full name for a few days. Sounds soft-core, right? But think about it. Most SO’s have a pet name. Start calling them by their their birth name and they notice immediately. They wonder why. It irks them that they don’t know the reason behind the change in behaviour and the trick is to do it in normal conversation, without skipping a beat.

  • Try helping her with some recipes by telling her how your mom used to do it. She’ll appreciate it.
  • Send a message to call you and then don’t answer because you “got busy”.
  • Start speaking like a character from a movie or series. My latest one was from Game of Thrones, where every conversation took on the dialect from the House of Black and White. For example:

“Honey what time are you coming home from work?”

“A man will be home when a man finishes.”

“Oh for (CENSORED) sake. Stop it.”

“What must a man stop?”

“Speaking that way.”

“Is a woman angry with a man?”

“(CENSORED).”

Certain characters that have been particularly effective (no need to thank me):ย Batman, the Hulk,ย Agent Cho from the Mentalist, Dirty Harry, Barney the Dinosaur.

  • Get your kids into Star Wars.
  • Hum a catchy song whenever you’re around her. Make it the same one for days on end, and give a little chuckle when you hear her doing the same.
  • Leave at least one cupboard door open all the time.
  • “Daddy says yes if Mommy says yes.”

Why do I purposefully go out of my way to irritate her? Simply because I wouldn’t go through all that effort for someone I didn’t love. If anyone has any similar such antics, please feel free to share them with me.