How to Irritate your Husband

Since my post on how to Irritate your Wife I’ve come to the conclusion that our female counterparts deserve the same courtesy of a “how to guide”. Not that they need the guidance . . .

So for the ladies, a look into some of the methods that the Wife has devised for the purpose of needling her kind, generous and loving hubby.

– First up, wait for your husband to be irreversibly immersed in some task and then ask him to do something for you. A perfect time will be when half his face is covered in shaving cream and the other half is clean-shaven. He’ll undoubtedly answer that he is busy but nonetheless will attend to your needs in a few minutes, at which time you promptly, and not without exasperation, advise him that “IT’S FINE” and that you’ll just do it yourself if he can’t help. Other ideal times to call upon his assistance are during a shower, while he’s up a ladder, mowing the last two square meters of lawn, saving a litter of kittens from a burning building,  or when he’s just placed glue on the tiniest and most difficult to place piece of the model aeroplane he’s constructing.

– Four words: “told you so.”

– Whenever he’s fixing something around the house be sure to keep him well-supplied with tips and tricks on how your father would do it. He’ll appreciate the input, trust me. By the same token if you want something done immediately simply advise dear hubby that your dad will be happy to come over and get it done if he’s too busy.

– When watching a movie together, “innocently” make mistakes while referring to characters. For example, while watching The Lord of the Rings, I was asked, “Babe, what kind of magic do the pixies have?”

“Pixies?”

“Yes, the pixies.”

“What pixies? There aren’t pixies in this movie.”

“Yes there are! The pixie people, you know, the magic pixie people.”

“You’re thinking of Harry Potter.”

“No I’m not! Bow-and-arrow guy is one of them. And horse guy is in love with one.”

“Are you talking about the elves?”

“Well I call them pixie people. You see they ARE in this movie. I told you so.

Also, Batman is bat boy, Star Wars is forever Star Trek, “Luke Skyscraper”, Yoda is little green dude, Magneto is Gandalf, a lightsaber is a glow stick, Sansa is the redhead Stark girl and so on. It’ll give hubby pause for thought before using that one occasion in five when you let him choose anything other than a “chick flick”.

– Leave that one thing of direst import off the shopping list. Obviously, because you’ve mentioned it to him . . .in passing . . . the day before . . . OBVIOUSLY he should’ve known to get it. It will be something like nappies (diapers) at nine at night, or some obscure art accessory for the school project we’ve known about for a month but which is due tomorrow (not available at mainstream supermarkets – that would be easy mode). For the latter you should have a sobbing nervous wreck of a child on hand to drive home the unplumbed depths your husband’s thoughtlessness. What are sequins by the way?

– Never underestimate the effect of a guilt trip.

– Don’t laugh at anything he says for about three days. Just stare blanky at him while he gapes at you in a moronic post-punchline grin. It will gnaw at his mind.

– Volunteer your husband as a chaperone for a school field trip. No need to tell him. If you’re lucky you’ll be nearby when the school secretary calls to thank him; that way you’ll get to watch him accept the call with all the grace of a gibbering cretin.

– If your husband is ticklish it means he WANTS to be kept on his toes, always expecting that every time you’re behind him a rogue fingertip will be jammed into an armpit or ribs.

– Call him  “mommy’s boy” in a playground sing-song voice. A lot.

– Declare allegiance to a sports team other than his and vociferously remind him of each occasion his team loses to yours. Shamelessly feign complete disinterest in the sport when the opposite occurs.

– Chocolate. At ten pm. Crave it. Bludgeon him with hints. Your marriage, your mental wellbeing, your health, and the will to go on all depend on it. Use the words “if only” and “love” as many times as possible. Meekly try to stop him when he eventually gives in and makes a trip to a convenience store. Tell him that he really didn’t have to and that it wasn’t necessary when he gets back.

I hope that this fills the apparent void on my blog. For the gents, I hope that I haven’t betraued you.

Disclaimer – no husband, namely me, was harmed (except perhaps emotionally) in researching this topic.